I had a professor in graduate school who once told me, "People don't change; only situations." While I don't fully agree with that, there is some merit to the observation. Stephen Covey once said that there are three requirements for change:
- You have to know what to change
- You have to know how to change
- You have to want to change
Most of us, most of the time, manage to change rather easily when these three things are in place. The clinker is the want-to part.
The others are derivable through our intellects, but really wanting to is an emotional and motivational issue. That's often why executives choose to implement a major change as part of a restructuring, rather than take the [much longer] time needed to engage their organizations in collaborative re-thinking and re-feeling the organization's priorities, goals and outcomes, and how our current actions and attitudes keep us stuck there.
Sometimes there's simply not enough time to take the longer route, particularly these days. Sometimes we want to change, but are reluctant to let go of our status quo.
When that's the case, the usual resort is to change the situation. My oldest son started college this year (2008), and was (is still) faced with that very issue. He naturally wanted his freedom, yet was not so thrilled with releasing the ties that bound him to his prior life: school associations, neighborhood, family…all the things that made life predictable and comfortable.
In this case, though, we had to change the situation, both in college and at home. He left home knowing that his room would become his brother's room, and he would return to a new room that was smaller and used for multiple purposes now. No "This is my kids memorial room, and I'm keeping it intact for as long as possible" for him! Or us, for that matter.
This kind of change is wrenching, as it robs us of the anchors that keep us mindful of our history, and links past to future. Continuity is lost, and the new world can be a scary place. The change can be accomplished faster, but with greater trauma, and sometimes regret.
I know. I've experienced this, as I discovered that High School is the very last time that the intact family is the family we know. Now things are different, which is exciting..and also scary: new forms of relationship for all family members, new perspectives, new things to take into consideration when making decisions or planning for what is now a reconfigured family.
So situations can precipitate change, but cleaning up the emotional residue can be a challenge.
At least it is for me, and I specialize in this work.
